Poem of My Life

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This is a poem about my life. It is very raw and real and the truest thing I know, for me.

It is the story of my existence.

I feel like I’ve had two lives… I’ve been two people… the person I was before my family, and the person I have become, almost instantly, after becoming a mother.

The person I was before… I don’t love to think about her. I was creative and full of energy, but also full of nerves and never ever comfortable in my own skin. Often critical of others and preferring to compete with life instead of join into it. Above all, I had an inescapable fear of death.

The woman I am now… I don’t even recognize the girl I used to be. I feel so full of joy and love. Full of a compassion that I never had before. And calm. A deep calm. A *knowing* that there is more to life then this moment, and that all is well.

I wrote this poem about how I finally discovered my deeper truth.

Please be kind to me when you read it.

Nothing I’ve ever written has been more honest, and leaves me more exposed. I can’t read this poem without crying.

I’m not a poet, but this is the song my soul sings. I guess this poem *is* my Heartsong.

I’ve felt a calling to share it with you here. xoxo

In Retrospect

In retrospect
I discover
That I do believe in heaven and souls and foreverness.

It is such a relief
I can’t even sleep at night
This huge grin on my face keeps me up until the indigo glow before dawn.

Because I had spent the first twenty-something years

a worried, nervous wreck, straining to believe
trying religion after religion on
wanting to believe in something more then the absoluteness of death.

Religion always felt like a complicated coping mechanism that people clung to
and I just couldn’t cling
no matter how I wanted to
free falling into a vast nothingness
after life
that scared the shit out of me.

It turns out
that the uneasy searching was actually just a painful waiting,
and that burning to find something more
was actually just tormented, desperate wanting,
and that despair over needing an answer
was actually just a fiercely missing
my loves
my soul mates
my family.

It was such a deliverance to see them again.

When I met my husband, I breathed my first real breath.
And when my daughter arrived
I was light-headed with sheer joy.
And when my son arrived
I was knocked to my knees by the overwhelming thankfulness of it all.
The kind of air-knocked-out-of-you
type of triumph
you can only come to
at the end of a very long and terrifying fall
as your feet hit solid ground again.

Here were the souls I had waited all my life for.
Here were the souls I knew.
Here was what was missing.
Here was my religion.

Of course I had such a deep heartache.
Of course I had been searching my whole life.
Of course I was near crazy with longing.
I need these three more then I need to be alive.
My soul needs these souls or I don’t exist at all.

And now they are here again.
This proof,
that I do believe in reincarnation and past lives and foreverness…

in retrospect.