I was told recently that life was *easy* for me because I was a positive thinker. I almost fainted… and laughed. I am so far from a natural positive thinker it’s not even funny, so I didn’t laugh.
I was extremely pessimistic and worried as a child.
Through lots of diligent work I *literally* am not even the same person that I was years ago.
But I didn’t change this by “positive thinking” — that’s for sure!
I don’t even like the idea of *positive thinking* at all.
Because positive thinking is usually fake… something you try to convince yourself of when what you are really feeling is crappy.
And if there is one thing I hate, it’s fakeness, in any form. Authentic feelings… authentic crappy feelings, are infinitely more pleasurable to me then fake happy ones.
I don’t mind mucking around in a dismal funk for long stretches of time. I don’t mind letting it show. I don’t feel the need to apologize for being human and even being snippy or impatient or even slightly bitchy at times.
If I’m feeling it, I’m going to show it.
No… what I have learned and taught myself to reach for isn’t positive thoughts… it’s positive feelings.
It’s been a long road that has taken many many years.
Examining each feeling I have and each thought I am thinking and reaching for the thought that makes me feel better.
So that’s confusing, right? I just said I don’t like positive thinking.
That’s because the thought that feels better isn’t always a positive thought….
…sometimes it’s all I can do to reach for a thought that feels like a little bit of relief.
Sometime relief is a thought that makes me just a little less angry.
Sometimes it’s one that makes me just a little less impatient.
What I am reach for, every time, is a positive *feeling*.
Many times, I can use thoughts that feel better to help me feel better… but only if it is a genuine thought… one that genuinely resonates with me and brings relief.
Often, I can’t find a thought that helps me feel better, so I reach for a better feeling through action — taking a bath… laying on the earth… painting a picture… drinking another cup of coffee… crying… sitting in a void of blankness… sitting for 20 minutes on the floor of the shower… all of these things, at one point or another, have helped me choose a better *feeling*.
So I say, abandon all attempts at positive thinking.
I *hate* positive thinking… how’s that for positive! 🙂
Positive thinking just makes me feel like one more thing I’m not doing right, when I’m not feeling well and I try to cover it up with positive thoughts.
There will always be a thought that knocks you down… can’t control those, they come, that’s life… but we can stop believing in them all the time and instead of focusing on our thoughts, focus on our FEELINGS.
Taking a moment to ground myself to the earth below…
I center my body from below and then reach for a higher awareness from above.
I don’t try to put fake happy chipper thoughts into my head and try to cheer myself up — that is instant disaster.
Instead, I try and come up with a million different thoughts or actions I could believe in, and then I feel around for which one makes me feel better… usually, I move towards sense of relief.
- It might be “I feel like a hot fudge sundae.”
- Or maybe “I am going to choose to be pissed off right now because it *feels* better then trying to cheer myself up!”
- Or, “I am taking myself way too seriously here… I need to crank up some music and just dance.”
Eventually, selecting your thoughts based on how you FEEL will be so easy it will be second nature.
So…. do not control your thoughts… just move towards what feels better. Or if nothing feels better… move towards not believing every thought… just reminding yourself that over and over… until relief does crop up as an option.
Even though I don’t always choose a positive thought…
I do usually do the work of reaching for a more positive feeling.
I’m no longer okay with letting my thoughts run away with me and me doing nothing to clean up my act.
And what I have found is that it has gotten easier and easier.
- What used to take me an entire day to turn around, now takes an hour.
- What used to really push my buttons before, doesn’t even have the power to push them any more.
- What used to bring me down into the doldrums for a week might give me an hour or two of wanting space.
- But never do I ever reach the depths of the darkness I used to be taken to over and over in the past.
- Even in my darkest moments now, I *know* there is a light waiting for me, and that this mood is just that… a temporary mood.
- I no longer feel that it is the end of the road.
It got me thinking, though. Why is is infinitely easier for me to reach for a positive feeling now?
It’s second nature. In fact, a positive feeling is my general state of living now, save for a few mood swings and PMS!
I went to bed thinking about how wonderful it is, how I literally don’t feel like the same person I used to be.
And then I had a dream. And I want to share it with you here:
I dreamed that I was standing in front of a big projector screen, and a powerful and loving male voice was teaching me stuff that human beings haven’t discovered yet.
He was answering my question, of why I can reach for joy so much more easily now.
He was showing me a large, close up picture of an iron gate, with intricate scrollwork.
There were all kinds of lines and loops and twists and patterns in the iron gate, it was gorgeous.
He said to me:
“Do you see all of the patterns this gate makes? Someone who thinks negatively would look at the gate and see all of the pointy tips… it would look like lightening bolts and spears.
This is physically what they would see when looking at this… lightening bolts.
Someone who has created a different pattern of thoughts in their brain, over the years, would physically evolve different neuronal connections, different synapses, and different brain chemistry levels that would physically cause them to see this gate entirely differently.
They would look at this same exact gate, and see the loops and scrolls… the patterns would reveal hearts and circles. That is all they would be able to see when looking at the gate.
Even though it’s the same gate. Two different human beings. Each with open eyes, both seeing completely different things.
The one seeing the hearts and loops isn’t *trying* to see hearts and loops… they aren’t reaching for a positive way to look at this gate… this is simply what they actually see now. The brain has changed.
Your physicians and scientists on earth haven’t even BEGUN to understand how complex and alive and ever-changing the brain is.
The brain is constantly evolving and adapting. By choosing different thought patterns, you literally change your physical brain.
If you took a sample of your brain when you were a young adult, and analyzed the chemistry and structure of it… and then took a sample of your brain now… looked at the chemistry and structure of it… it is literally a different brain.
You have physically changed the properties of it by your thoughts.
You no longer can look at that gate and see what you would have seen had you looked at this gate a few years ago.
You look at it now and see the hearts. You can no longer see the lightening bolts. Simple as that.”
I totally believe that we just don’t know even 1/10th of what our brains can do.
I fully believe that my chemistry is different then it was when I was a child.
I think different thoughts. I feel differently then I did.
I did that actively, over time, with only my own attention to what I was thinking and directing myself to choose a better feeling through picking better thoughts.
It wasn’t *positive thinking*… many times it was only *find something that will get you to survive another five minutes of being alive*… but it was always moving towards feeling better.
And slowly but surely, it got easier.
And now I feel like an entirely new person.
It’s like that old Pantene commercial… “It didn’t happen over night… but it did happen.”
So what do you folks think? Did I have a divinely inspired dream? Was it a psychic revelation? Or simply wishful thinking?
Do you think in the future we will have studies that back up our thoughts being able to effect lasting structural change on our brain chemistry?
I’d love to know what you all think… xoxo